Indecision

I have a problem making decisions on a lot of things. This may be tied with my proclivity for procrastination, but who knows.

I like to look at all sides and extrapolate outwards what the end result of the decision will be. Ultimately I put off making the decision until the last possible moment.

Early in our relationship, this would somewhat annoy Hillary. Never badly, but she certainly started to get tired hearing me pontificate about making some unimportant choice for months before I was forced to actually make it.

As our relationship progressed and changed, we grew to trust and respect each other more and more. My decision making process slowly changed over time. Eventually I would just state the options out loud to Hillary. She would ask one or two questions to attempt to figure out what I really wanted and would confirm that.

I mean, I would still delay as long as possible, but when I had actually reached a conclusion, she was my final check.

Without that step though, stating it out loud to her and getting feedback, I feel paralyzed.

In her last couple of weeks, Hillary was slowing down and withdrawing from the cares of this world. I would still pitch my daily plan and she’d smile and nod, giving permission for it.

In hindsight, I think what she was really saying with those quiet smiles and nods was, “You know best and will do fine, I trust you.”

I'm not sure I believe that yet, but I have to try to get there.