Pictures and emotions

Looking at some pictures of Hillary are surreal. Shots from our Cross Canada ride, pictures of Hillary dressed up for a night of clubbing, some of the shots from our wedding.

Looking at others are heartbreaking. Our wedding pictures in general, happy pictures of Hillary and the kids, ones that remind me particularly of adventures we went on.

Looking at others make me feel good. Sorta. But that's tempered with desperate loss.

The previously mentioned adventure pictures fall into this category. So do the very few candid pictures I have of her. She had that enormous smile and almost always posed for pictures. Pictures with other expressions on her face are rare.

This is tough as well. Hillary had an amazingly expressive face and often wore her emotions plainly. Those pictures that show other emotions than just happy and posing are precious.

This was an expression that was reserved for me alone to my knowledge. It's a combination of "This is ridiculous", "This is fun", "I can't believe this is fun", and "I love you". In other words, this is the expression that I spent most of the past 14 years working to draw out. If I got that, the day was a win.

Looking at pictures taken in the month and weeks before her death are crushing. Those are also important though. It's a reminder of why I am where I am now. She didn't vanish. She didn't die full of life. She died due to an aggressive cancer. Her surviving for another week at that point would not have been a gift.

Just starting to laugh. Sort of a smaller self reflective laugh. With a health dose of "Yes, this is ridiculous." This was during a relatively bad week in April, 2018.

I may be getting repetitive here, but I miss her so much.