I'm mostly living day to day.
That's not entirely true. I'm living week to week. Rarely do I make plans for more than five or six days out. There are lots of reasons for this. Honestly, if I didn't have kids, I'd be really going day to day. Unfortunately, kids constantly require things like food, which requires shopping, which requires meal planning, which requires doing some work ahead of time.
I'm pretty terrible at planning anything that's more than a week out though, especially if it isn't something that has a hard date that I can't change.
It's almost like my mind can't really concentrate on the future. Whereas before I've mentioned the future seemed like a dreamscape full of possibilities to explore, it now feels like a slippery mirror that my gaze slides off and around.
Save for the milestones.
I have two more dates coming up in the next month or so that I can already feel some of the nervous anticipation building. Four weeks today would have been eleven years of marriage to Hillary. Two days after that is Father's Day.
The latter will be largely out of my hands, which is nice. The former though, I don't know what to plan. It's going to be a mess. I'll probably make sure the kids are taken care of and just ride my bike for much of the day.
Experience of the last year or so has shown that long easy rides are good grieving and mental disassociating time. I know I don't want to be at home doing nothing all day as that will not exactly be conducive to a good mental state. If I'm going to be at home alone thinking about Hillary, I'd much rather do it with post exercise endorphins in the system.
I dunno. I'm open to suggestions here.