This is largely about me and how I thought about specific things regarding Hillary and medical issues. It is a direct continuation of an earlier post about colitis and it's implications, so it's worth reading that first.
To summarize that post, I knew that there was a higher possibility that Hillary would get cancer at a younger age than most people. I decided that I wouldn't let that affect me and thus our relationship.
But for whatever that's worth, it was my decision and my brain reminded me of it occasionally. I thought about this the morning we were married. I was willing to make the most of this marriage as long as I had it, knowing that it could be shorter than I wanted.
But with that dramatic reveal, I can also say I didn't dwell on it. However, every six months or so I took stock of our lives, financially, emotionally, physically. What would I do if she got cancer now?
I don't even think that's particularly interesting in and of itself. I feel pretty confident that while Hillary certainly wasn't planning for my early demise, she must have occasionally considered what she'd do if something happened to me. If not before, definitely after the kids were born.
I merely had a very specific worry that came up every few months.
Hillary did not know about this aspect of my half of the relationship until something like 2016. Something unrelated had come up that forced us both to think seriously about contingencies in case of critical illness or death.
She asked during that time what I would do, what we would do if one of us was to die?
I debated bringing my thought exercise up as I'd never spoken to her about it in the 12 prior years of our relationship.
I mean, it's not a happy topic. It's one thing to discuss wills and that sort of thing. It's another thing altogether to bluntly say that I have been considering that exactly question intermittently for nearly our entire relationship.
Regardless, I could see she was worried. Frankly, at that point in time, I also wanted support on having to do the mental exercise.
I let her know about my roughly twice yearly assessment of what my plan would be. She was surprised that I was doing that much. She wasn't super pleased with learning this, but I think was somewhat comforted her. Her short term dreamer husband was actually thinking long term pragmatically sometimes.
Ironically that might have played somewhat into her mostly closing off that avenue of conversation after she started active cancer treatment. Again, to be clear, I do not begrudge that particular choice she made. I wish I could have talked with her more about this period I'm in right now. But it would not have have made what turned out to be her last year any easier. I'm glad I made that decision as well.
This thread will likely be continued.