Outliving your spouse

My humour got a lot darker once Hillary was diagnosed with cancer. It hasn't improved since she died. But humour is a very important part of how I see myself and interact with other people. And it was a really important part of my relationship with Hillary. I made her laugh a lot and that was always a victory.

Hillary made it clear from the beginning of our marriage that part of the deal was that I outlive her. This was always pretty lighthearted and joking. I always would mumble a response and, well, it seemed important to her, so I acquiesced. "Sure thing Hillary. I'll do what I can, but no promises."

I wish now that I had followed up those jokes with more questions. I wonder if she did really think that due indirectly to various medical things it was likely. Or if it was just something a person might say as they realized how much they didn't want to live without their person.

One thing I do know is that she never said this post cancer diagnosis. This makes me think that while she didn't seriously plan on it, she didn't want to actually think about the reality of that deal. Which is fair and I am good with that.

With the benefit of experience, this seems like a pretty horrible promise to make someone else make. I understand, outside of a few very specific windows in a life, it's not a promise that has weight as no one knows when their time is up.

My humour is based mostly in the truth of things. My joke on the happy subject of outliving your spouse didn't really exist until two days before Hillary died when I realized how I needed to say it. I never said it to her.

"I highly recommend not outliving your spouse if you can possibly avoid it."